Pahk your Infiniti at Fenway

Perpetuating a regional stereotype translated into New Englandese
 Wikimedia 
Infiniti now sponsors two sports teams that are "Red." 

When Infinti sent us a statement that it was the official car of the Boston Red Sox, we had to translate it into a language more easily understood by the proudly non-rhotic among us.

From one 15-year New England veteran to another, the full press release is below.

FRANKLIN, Tenn. Infiniti has reached a deal with the Bawhstan Red Sawx for the 2014 season, serving as the team's official lugg-jury cah.

"Er-ah, all of us heah at Infiniti, including our Bawhstan-area retailahs, ah, uh, very excited to be partnahing with the 2013 Wooled Champion Red Sawx," said Jeffrey Harris, regional vice president for Infiniti's east region, "We hope the Sawx will find a little 'Inspirahd Perfawmance' of theah own this season and bring home anotha championship to the people of Boston."

"It's wicked sick," he added.

As part of today's announcement, Infiniti joins a select group of partners like Friendly's, Papa Gino's, Bertucci's, Ninety-Nine, Legal Sea Food, Kelly's Roast Beef, Stahp and Shawp, Jawdan's Furniture, W.B. Mason, The Standells, Tom Scholz, and Ernie Boch Dodge on the Automile on Route One, Noahwood -- with prominent branding on Fenway Park's famous left field wall, the Green Monstah, and also the Dunkin' Donuts on 122 in Wawchestah.

"We are wicked proud to pahk an Infiniti as our official luxury vehicle," said Red Sox SVP Corporate Pahtneships Troup Pahkinson. "We welcome them to the Red Sawx family and would like to remind them that you can't actually pahk a cah at Havahd Yahd. They frown upon that sorta thing. I went to Chahlie's with Nick DiPaolo and had to pahk next to Taum Brady's Audi. You don't wanner pahk next ta that guy."